The opposite of dissociation is connection. Late February and March have been a time for connection— or maybe for re-connection— in my life. Re-connecting with myself, re-connecting with my loved ones, re-connecting with my art. I’ve discovered that sometimes, giving up is the only way to make yourself want to keep going. Here are some photos (and above, some footage) from this strange/good time, and the songs I’ve been playing a lot throughout it.
I realized today that it’s been ages since I last made a moodboard, which is something I used to do all the time when I was 15/16. I used to be very into collecting images and tossing them together to evoke a feeling, give off a vibe, put you in a mood. I guess you could call it curation, in a sense? It was nice to be able to scroll through my moodboards and soak myself in beautiful, inspiring imagery whenever I found myself in a creative rut. So I figured, “there’s no time like the present,” and made one. Here’s some blushy, bronzey goodness:
This video may as well be called “current mood.”
The very last week of my five week trip to Europe in December and January was spent in Paris. The plan was to continue travelling until mid-March, but– and I should really expect this by now– things didn’t go according to plan. I touched on it briefly in an Instagram post, and maybe I’ll talk specifically about it in the near future, but throughout the entirety of my travels I was increasingly overwhelmingly depressed and anxious. It was in Dublin that I made up my mind about going home early to take care of myself, rather than continuing to travel when it was obviously exacerbating pre-existing issues. I found myself both eagerly counting down the days until my flight home, while also trying desperately to get out of my head and just enjoy whatever was right in front of me.
It’s kind of fitting then, I think, that my journey ended (or paused, I suppose) in Paris. It’s overwhelming. It’s gorgeous and lively and full of people and history and art and ridiculous extravagance. “No one does ridiculous extravagance like the French,” became a near-daily comment I made to my sister. On our first full day in the city we explored the Musée d’Orsay, and while it was already a beautiful building filled with beautiful art, we didn’t really expect to turn a nondescript corner and walk into an ornate, gilded ballroom. All my sister and I could do was turn to each other and ask, “what?” It seemed absurd, and unreal.
That feeling of disbelief followed me throughout the week. By our last day there, which we spent at le Château de Versailles, I was about 99% sure I was in a dream and not an actual place. None of this wealth and excess and luxury could possibly be real. The blues and blush of sunset reflected in the windowpanes of le Grand Trianon matched the pink marble of the building itself, like it was a painting, like its colours were chosen specifically for that reason. It didn’t make any sense. Even now I find it really strange to look back on pictures of that day because I have trouble believing it actually happened to me.
It was a strange surreal week of my life, in which I was at almost all times both incredibly sad and incredibly amazed. I debated just posting my video and photographs and not addressing how shitty I felt the whole time (like I did in all my other posts about this trip) but during this week it was just impossible to ignore, impossible to not address. My mental shape is obviously going to deeply affect my perception and experience of anything. I’m not sure I’d be able to write about Paris without also writing about being sad. It’s easy to show off the highlight reel, but the more I do it the more its inherent dishonesty puts a bad taste in my mouth. I’m not really interested in lying to other people or to myself about how I was feeling. But it’s been tough to be honest about it, it’s been tough to talk about travelling with depression or anxiety (or any illness, for that matter) because the general response is “well I haven’t had a vacation in 27.531 years” or “just enjoy it! Live in the moment! CARPE THAT DIEM! NAMASTE!” It took a lot for me to realize that– while of course I want to be enjoying myself– I don’t owe it to anyone to have a good time while travelling, and I don’t have to pretend like I had the time of my life, even though it is a wonderful opportunity and privilege. #firstworldproblems
So, yeah. It was a complicated week. Weirdly enough, despite everything, I think Paris was my favourite place that we visited on our trip. That’s how cool a place it is, even though I was straight up dead inside I still enjoyed being there. So just imagine how great it would be for a real live person to visit! My video sums up what we did on each day, and I have a whole lot of photos to share…
So my sister and I spent a few days in Manchester over Christmastime, and then spent three days there in January a couple weeks later. Three of our very good friends– Cosette, Ilja, and Phoebe– live there, making it a convenient little stopover between cities so that we could take a breather from being constantly surrounded by NEW PLACES and NEW PEOPLE and NEW THINGS.
While we were there the first time I didn’t film or photograph much (my video diary covers Manchester Trip #2) but we did spend one night all hanging out together in a café, and I dressed the boys up in the vintage clothing sold there, and we took model pictures of them and laughed about it for ages.
I also took some portraits of Cosette:
When we came back for Trip #2, we spent one of our days exploring Liverpool– going to the Tate, walking along the boardwalk, and eating yummy vegan food.
Our last night there was spent getting some stress from the day out by dancing to ABBA and drinking wine and having deep talks until waaaay past our bedtimes. When my sister and I flew to Paris early the next morning we were not the happiest we’ve ever been in our lives…
*Listens to Sufjan Stevens once*
There are links to all my music faves in the description of the YouTube video, if you wanna click through!
I spent the first week of 2017 exploring Dublin, Ireland with my sister. Here are all the things we did:
- Jan. 1st: We flew into Dublin from Glasgow, Scotland, on about 30 minutes of sleep. If you want to read about my ridiculous New Year’s Eve experience you can do so here… Needless to say, we didn’t do much for our first night in Dublin.
- Jan. 2nd: We walked over to Kilmainham Gaol– which unfortunately was SOLD OUT FOR THE WHOLE WEEK, like HOW DO YOU SELL OUT A JAIL– but we got to take a look at their museum and see the main jail area, which softened the blow. We then walked around Phoenix Park, and wound up accidentally walking 12km in total that day…
- Jan. 3rd: We spent the whole day looking at various museums downtown.
- Jan. 4th: We woke up at 6am to hop on a day tour to Galway and the Cliffs of Moher– it was absurdly beautiful and probably my favourite thing we did while in Ireland. So much greenery, so gorgeous even with dreary weather, it reminded me of home in that way. It’s crazy to me that you can just drive across and see the entire country in a few hours.
- Jan. 5th: We visited the Irish Museum of Modern Art, and the Little Museum (an aptly-named small museum all about the history of Dublin).
- Jan. 6th: For our last full day, we just wandered around aimlessly around the city and along the River Liffey, and checked out a couple museums.
Here are my favourite photos from our week: